The Grieving Process

When talking about the grieving process, most people immediately think about death of a loved one. However, there are other types of loss, for which grieving is just as important.

Grief is the emotional turmoil and suffering we feel after any major loss: death, intense disappointment, the end of a relationship, the loss of a limb, paralysis, etc.

The importance of grief should not be glossed over. It is vital to the healing process.

For the purposes of this article, I will not address the specific nature of your loss, just the fact that there IS loss at some point in everyone’s life.

Though there is no perfect formula for making the pain go away, an understanding of what to expect will help you cope.

First, let’s touch on the stages of grief:

1. Denial. A loss is dramatic, whether we feel “prepared” for it or not. This first stage is the disbelief that someone or something so integral to your life is suddenly no longer a part of it. Many people retreat at this point and isolate themselves from social contact. Others downplay the loss. A few operate under the delusion that the loss did not occur.

The intellectual understanding of loss comes relatively easily for the bereaved, but the emotional understanding takes time and healing.

2. Anger. The grieving person lashes out: at the world, at family, at him/herself, at the deceased, at the illness, at doctors, at anyone involved. The overriding emotion is the feeling of loss of control over one’s life.

3. Bargaining. Many people make bargains with God, promising “anything” to turn back the hands of time, before the loss occurred.

4. Depression. The grieving person experiences a numbness, detachment, loss of interest in life. Life goes on, but on “autopilot”.

5. Acceptance. The person accepts the reality of the loss as pain, sadness and anger gradually subside. Many people feel their lives are empty and devoid of purpose after a great loss. Once the loss is accepted and the bereaved gets used to this new life, he or she begins seeing new opportunities for love, new endeavors, companionship, new activities, etc.

Those are the clinical descriptions of the grieving process. Let’s address the individual nature of grief. Your grieving process is unique to you. It is hard work, nobody can do it for you, and nobody can predict the time line or nature of your grieving.

First, the process is not exactly linear. You will not transition smoothly from step one to step two, and then to three, and so on. It is convoluted, it is complicated, and how quickly you move through the process depends largely on your emotional health. Memories linger, and sometimes a seemingly random, unrelated incident will suddenly have you sobbing hysterically and making you feel as though you are moving backward.

An individual’s response to the pain of loss will vary. Pain can manifest physically as well as emotionally. Some people avoid the pain by escaping (literally, as in travel, or through drugs, alcohol, etc.). Some become extraordinarily busy. Some retreat behind a brick wall of emotions and refuse to come out. No matter how intense and unbearable, pain must be acknowledged and felt as part of true healing. Denial of the pain actually prolongs the healing process, so do not compare your level of grief with someone else’s. Your pain is what it is, and your feelings are very real. Honor that, and go gently on yourself.

Allowing yourself to move on is one of the milestones – this is when you finally feel you are through (or almost at the tail end of) the grieving process, when you begin to feel “alive” again. Depending on the nature of the loss, this allowing will take different forms. At first, people may feel disloyal to the one they lost when they begin to feel the urge for finding a new companion or love; or they are not ready to admit they are now physically challenged, when the question of activities comes up. But once they accept this new state, they are able to move ahead with their lives, and “learn to live again”.

Tragedy often leads to great personal growth. The intensity of the pain (emotional, spiritual, physical) can quite literally knock you off your feet. This kind of upheaval can be the catalyst for change within you. You are shaken to the core, stripped bare of all of your defenses, and you can grow from the experience. This is not to say that you should put a “positive spin” on your loss. Go through the grieving process, heal, and do not deny the pain – yet at the same time, know that you are stronger and better because of what that person or thing has taught you.

What I would like to emphasize is that you have feelings, and you have them for a reason. Whatever you feel, whatever you experience, is what is right for you at that moment. Do not deny yourself feelings, do not try to conform to what you believe is expected of you. If a person says “you should…”, you can choose to accept it, or not. If you are ready for the next step, take it. If not, then don’t. Family and friends often tend to try to nudge you out of your grief, but if you are not ready to feel healed and “whole” again, then your process is not complete.

Taking good care of yourself emotionally is the key to getting through the grieving process quicker. It helps to be able to take comfort from close friends and family or your spiritual leaders. Take care of your body, mind and soul during your difficult times.

Be assured there is no “right” or “wrong” way to grieve. There is only YOUR way, and it is perfect for you. Cry, if you must; but if the tears will not come, that is okay too. Sometimes you will want to grieve alone, and other times the only consolation you will get is in the company of other people. It is all part of the process, and it is all good.

Please contact me for help with your grieving process.

Joy Leggett
joy@joyleggett.com